Allah Survives a Mini-Islamic Repolution^[1]

I think, I got more than I bargained for. But then, as a psychodialyser, my job is the most difficult job in the world, considering who I meet. Of course, when I decide to dive into the Islamic unscientific qualitatively challenged fiction (Un-Sci-Qua-Cha-Fi), I will not know in advance who I will be meeting or what I will be seeing. I just let myself go and I will free fall in the Islamic Un-Sci-Qua-Cha-Fi. Next, I will be seeing some usual and unusual arguments and quarrels going on.

By the way, saying Un-Sci-Qua-Cha-Fi is not offensive because Muslims themselves are happy with it. Any way, the name should not distract us from the real problem. The real problem is the misguided infidels, who are the bane of the lives of Muslims and that of Allah. Muslims say Allah almighty does not care in the least, but this is not completely right, otherwise, why He would send Muslims to quash infidels?

Infidels deserve whatever befalls them. They even make it worse for themselves by saying that it is Allah who is bane in the lives of Muslim. This is really a big kufir (Muslim word for blasphemy which Muslims modify into blastedme for added emphases). Once they hear the blastedme, Muslims all over the world will go ‘Asteghfurallah,’ ‘Asteghfurallah,’ ‘Asteghfurallah,’ (God forgive). They are right to say so, because whenever an infidel would say that I could, and all Muslims would, see thousands of mini-Shaitans suddenly appearing, floating in the air doing their grotesque dances and acrobatics. That is why after the triple Astghfurallahas the poor Muslims would go tf, tf, tf, three times; spitting under their chin between their shirts and chest, to banish these Shaitans. And whose fault is that the Muslim spit on their own chests?

Sometimes in such occasions, Muslim women (Muslimas) looks at the Muslims (Muslim men) and says: ‘Muslim, dear Muslim man, what are you going to do now? The infidel said a Kufir, a complete blastedme. The Shaitan was dancing and his things were gross. Did you see it, dear?’ Of course, Muslim women can look at and speak with a Muslim only metaphorically. As a matter of fact, the Muslima can neither see nor talk to the Muslims, in the open. But they need not use the direct means of communication. Muslims and Muslimas have a permanent divine contact between them. Of course, this contact is unimaginable for the kafirs because they are deaf and dumb in the mind and heart. The kafirs are always linked to each other through undignified mediums. A Muslim and a Muslima can form divine contact while each lying miles away from each other. What is more, the contact can be so strong that Allah has to give them divine contraceptives all the time.

Once the Muslim hears the Muslima in the way just described, he will not disappoint, especially when there is dancing and flashing going on by shaitan. Muslim will have to protect Muslima. He has heard Hani Al-Sibai, the London Muslim cleric, saying on the Al-Jazeer: ‘The Islamists are always the ones who help people, and save them from their plight. They are active, and that is why they are envied by these microbes [probably those Muslims who assist shaitan] , which have spread their ideology throughout our countries. These Islamists, even in Jordan [apparently the shaitans flash too often and too excessively in Jordan]... Take any place in the world, and you will see that the Islamists are the masters of the world. There are no real men except for the people of Islam. Look at the people who give reason to hold the head of Islam high. In politics – they are the masters. In the battlefield – they are the masters. They are the ones who rub in the mud the nose of the occupation forces in Afghanistan, in Iraq, in Palestine, and throughout the world [Kafirs say the Muslims rub only the grotesque infidels’ shaitani things in the mud in these countries, the kafirs are ignorant because for Muslims that is more satisfying because by doing so they will be losing their seeds in the dirt]. The perpetuality of the conflict makes them strong. In contrast, what is the contribution of those who are devoid of any ideology, whose faith has been deformed, who are divorced of their religion? What have they contributed? The only thing they have contributed is destruction. They are evil omens for their peoples. They lead their people to hell. The masses must vomit them from their midst. They should be placed in public squares, so that people can hit them with their shoes and spit on them. Their place is with the occupiers (www.memritv.org/clip/en/0/0/0/0/0/166/1513.htm).

What Islamic ardency? Now I, the Hypothelian am being zoomed-in, into a Kafir land. I see some Muslims who are situated among the Kafirs. I see clearly a Muslim who knows what he ought to do and I see clearly that he expects himself to go off at any moment. But then he does not. I see that he does not think the failure is because of lack of courage or that he is not man enough. By definition he must be; is not he a Muslim? Rather he thinks that he has reasoned to himself that the moment is not right and that he wanted to buy his latest iphone to show off in front of the other faithful. The Muslim goes home.

But Allah knows better. He smells the cowardly Muslim. Allah of course is not alone in doing so. Anyone can do it even from 100 yard afar. The reason is that Allah, who is capable of doing anything, has built in certain devices into every Muslim. They are mini-stink bombs that go off within the Muslim’s body if he fails to go off against the infidels. This explains why Muslims are required to have ablution five times a day. Obviously, five times a day is not enough but had Allah ordered more ablutions He would have turned Muslims into aquatic creatures or desert creatures, because ablution can be carried out by using sand as well.

Allah obviously has not made Muslims and Muslimas into aquatic creatures or sand creatures, because He is merciful. He thought to Himself; where would the likes of the poor fish, whales and lizard of the desert go?

Anyway, the stench reaches Allah’s nose (if you remember we have discovered last week that Allah has got the all smelling Nose of all Noses, He kept that secret from Mohammed His last prophet and this shows my high status in Allah’s eyes and nose).

Allah in response to the offensive Islamic smell, says: ‘Muslim you have disappointed me! This is your second time. Worse, you are stinking; go to ablution!’

This is where things can turn sour and this where I heard this sad conversation between Allah and the Muslim, whose name cannot be revealed for legal reasons.

The Muslim: Do not push, I will go on my own. I will ablute, if that makes Your Nose happier. I am disappointed with You too.

Allah: (curiously) How come?

The Muslim: You are almighty!

Allah: Indeed.

The Muslim: So why do not you go and finish off all the kafirs Yourself?

Allah: Why not do it through you?

The Muslim: Is it nice to put me in this position. I tell You something. The other day, I had the bomb in my backpack. I had even shaved my beard so I meet my houris with smooth face to avoid offending them on my wedding day, and of course also to facilitate my mingling among the public. I was happy heading to the office where the big Shaitans are located.

Allah: So?

The Muslim: The dogs knew me from the smell. These dogs were growling at me even from fifty meters away. I turned back and ran, I was feeling so undignified. You did not tell me to blow up myself against barking dogs. Then I tried to run into the kafir crowd but they were also fleeing, apart from the Muslimas. How did even the kafirs know that I am seeking martyrdon [not a mistake, the kafirs should expect the transfiguration of words]?

Allah: (Just taps His Nose twice) Nose, nose.

The Muslim: (sad, frustrated and complainingly) I was chased by dogs and the kafirs were fleeing me. I thought I will blow myself up and the dogs any way, because the situation was too indignifying, but then the dogs got distracted by Muslimas. That made me feel doubly humiliated to see Muslimas being molested by dogs. I thought I will blow up myself, the Muslimas and the dogs. But then I thought I might be regarded as an unclean or the dud Martyr, by killing dogs and Muslimas. You said I can get the Houris only if I kill the kafirs and be killed by kafirs. You did not say anything about killing kafir dogs. Any way there are no kafir or Muslim dogs. All are just dogs so you cannot get credit for killing dogs. You did not make these things clear in the Quran; did you?

Allah (laughingly in a way which reminded me of late Shaheed Saddam Hussein’s laugh): What about the Hypothelian Quran? I will send you some verses through the Hypothelian. His Quran will be even better than the original! (Still laughing His slow rhythmic way) But you do not believe in it; do you? You are such numb skull.

The Muslim (getting angrier): No I will not. You told my Mohammed that he is the last prophet. How can I know that something has not happened to You? Even Shahid Saddam Hussein misjudged things.

Allah (looks surprised, laughs faintly)

The Muslim: Yes. There are a lot of other things that I find objectionable. Tell me why do You have to order us to leave our beards growing, and shave our pubic hair? What kind of game is this?

Allah: What is wrong with that? Are you worried about the pheromones and failing to attract Muslimas? I can make the pheromones ooze onto your face. Moreover, shaving down below there is hygienic?

The Muslim: Who cares about the pheromones? Who cares about fungal infection and soap and towels for ablution and all these new brand Hypothelian products. The knowledge of pheromones is not even Yours. The infidels found pheromones and not you. There is even no mention of pheromones in the Quran; and you say it is comprehensive!

Allah (still amused but trying to distract and taunt the Muslim): You did not tell me what is wrong with shaving down below and leaving it grow higher up Musi, Musi. That is the way, ah, ha. I like it Ah Ha.

The Muslim: Stop it! The problem is that I get mixed up between them. Everyone in the world shaves the beards and leaves the pubic hair alone. Only we the Muslims have to do the opposite. Sometimes I think You misplace things. Do you recognise us from our genitals or faces? I think you get mixed up in your mind too. We are made to think of houris and divine sex all the time. Our lips, nose and eyes are always swollen with lust. Our beards do not make us look saintly. And with swollen features our things look upside down, Your merciful (sarcastically)!

The other day, when I had shaved my beard so that I do not attract suspicion to myself for my journey to martyrdom shahadat in your sake, and as I was walking those streets, many sexy ladies were looking at me, with beautiful smiles. Even many gentlemen were friendly towards me. I never knew that the world will be so different just because of shaving my beard. I felt free as a bird. Then I thought to myself; why did you need to order us to have a beard and shave it down below? You even order me to shave off my moustache. I do not even look like Chi Guevara! (distraughtly) Where is my Havana cigar? Where is the red star in the background? Where are the posters? Where is the repolution? (Allah does not look very pleased as he feels His authority is questioned). Yes, these thoughts make me angry and I started giving off the smell. Then to top it all, you accuse me of being cowardly and order me to ablute. (The Muslim is getting bitter) It was you who thwarted me. Do not you say that nothing can happen without your order? You blew up my cover by messing up my wiring and letting the mini-stink bombs go off and then had the dogs chasing and molesting the Muslimas. You did not want martyrdom for me. Perhaps you want to keep my houris for yourself. That is not fair. (Sadness dominates him) Dogs of all things, why? And I was going to kill myself for your sake. My smell was enough to make everyone run way for their lives. Only the Muslimas were left there, but then you made them a laughing stock. Dogs molesting them.

I had to hide myself in the rubbish bin. (Allah laughing). Are you laughing? The Quran was in my pocket and I was in the rubbish (Allah still laughing).

All this happen because of your order (mockingly) ‘Shave your pubic hair and moustache and leave your beard to grow, Muslim!’

Allah (Still laughing): Oh poor Muslim. You are not making any sense any more. But I think you have gone too far overboard. Now, I will let you go off by mistake, I am afraid.

‘Alif, pop, sqowk. These words are from high and atop, who no one can poke.

A dud-Muslim goes up, pop, in smoke. The police come five minutes later and announce that the water boiler has gone off and the life of a person goes down with a knock. The police do not suspect any foul play with the lock. The name of the victim will not be revealed because of its possible effects on the market and stock. And Allah is on the top and nothing can give Him a shock. And Shaitans are the losers; he, he’ (The Hypothelian Quran, 00002.00001).

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[1] A repolution is the Muslim’s equivalent of revolution against Allah.