At long last, two of the greatest self-appointed statesmen of our time meet face-to-face, albeit in secret, to work out an accommodation and avert the dreaded collision between the United States of America and the Islamic Republic of Iran.  

The media, in chorus, tell us that such a meeting has neither happened nor is likely to happen. But, we discovered the meeting and managed to record every word of their conversation. Ordinarily, we do not do any domestic spying. We know better than to tread on the turf of the grossly overpaid and pampered underperforming boys at the NSA—the fellows who labor at their tasks daily by leaning back on their Lazy Boy recliners, sipping Starbucks latte and divining good-as-gold information from the ether. 

We also know intellectually that eavesdropping is reprehensible, if not outright criminal. But knowing this did not stop us from so doing, because we felt that in dealing with Muslims, we are free to level the playing field. Muslims are taught that the goal justifies the means. That is, if the goal is important, you say and do whatever it takes to achieve it. So we employed the Islamic ethos and eavesdropped shamelessly. Here is our summary report. 

Only the two men entered the room, locked the door from inside and performed a full-body-hug with three pecks on each other’s cheeks. It made our hearts melt to see such a display of friendship and affection. Why couldn’t the two countries be as loving toward each others as these two great men, we wistfully asked ourselves. 

Before we could relish the tender scene for a minute, we got the jolt of our life. Khatami spoke fluent English with an excellent American accent, so far as we could tell, since we are not exactly expert in the subject even though we have been living and studying in the States for several years. The two spoke with great informality and colloquially as would two best friends. We assure you, on our honor, and we are not using the Islamic honor here—you can trust us. We did not manipulate the contents of what transpired between Carter the Freak and Khatami the Fake, but violated the standard operating procedure of the liberal mainstream media that habitually sanitize all reports that pertain to Islam and Muslims. 

The Freak: Aah, Muhammad dear, I am delighted to see you. Thank you so very much for consenting to meet with me. I certainly hope that you are not taking a chance by so doing. Your colleague in Iran, some of your enemies anyway, may think you are an American agent.  

The Fake: (The smiling mullah stretches his lips a bit wider, in his habitual pretense smile, and thinks to himself. Relax man. Relax. My colleagues themselves have commissioned me on a soap job and people like you are perfect for it.) My dear Jimmy, I thank you for your concern. Being the true perceptive and caring man that you are, you see the risk I am taking. But, taking risks in pursuit of what is right is the story of my entire life. I have no fears. I have to stand up to principles and speak up, no matter what. Just like you, my dear Jimmy. You have been my model. You go around the world and expose the evil-doings of American administrations controlled by the twin evils of Wall-Street and the Zionists. Actually they are one and the same, since the Jews own Wall Street as well. 

The Freak: Thank you Muhammad, thank you very much. You’re so kind. May I call you “Mo?” Since each time I say “Muhammad,” I think of the other guy, you know who I mean. And that throws me off. 

The Fake: By all means. Don’t I call you “Jimmy,” twice contracted from “James?” “Among friends, formalities have no place” is an old Arabic saying. And, we are friends, aren’t we Jimmy? By the way, you have not aged in the least over the years. How do you keep yourself so young? Also, may I ask what are you doing these days with yourself? Are you back to peanut farming or busy with your new line of work—building houses for the poor? 

The Freak: (Blushing and in a contrived self-effacing tone) Thank you for the compliment. I keep busy. I suppose that’s the secret of staying young. 

The Fake: (Stretching his ever apart lips, he says to himself that the fool can still be greased so easily. He looks like a fully dried-up prune. And watch him drool a bit on the left side of his crooked mouth, the drooling idiot). Yes, yes indeed. I follow with great admiration your numerous international travels to settle disputes, supervise elections and just serve as a great ambassador of peace and justice. You are a paragon of fairness, in contrast to that ruthless cowboy in the White House. How I wish that you were still the president and our two countries could have worked like the best of friends. 

The Freak: Yes. I do apologize for him. You know who. In fact, in much of my international mediation and peacemaking work, I spend a great deal of time apologizing to the people that he and his administration victimize. He is a trigger happy Texan. In this country all you have to say is that a follow is from Texas and you need say no more. 

The Fake: Yes, my dear Jimmy, I do fully understand how you feel. Between us and in the strictest confidence, I am meeting with you on behalf of Imam Khamenei, the Viceroy of God on earth and the supreme leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, to express to you our infinite gratitude for your political acumen and humanitarian decision of 1979. Without your help in keeping the perfidious shah on a leash, we couldn’t have had our Islamic revolution. We are not an ungrateful people, as some suggest. We always pay back the favors we receive. And, I am here to work things out between our two nations with your help. 

The Freak: Actually Mo, I am the one to thank you and your colleagues for preventing Iran from turning Communist by your decisive actions. We had reports that the people were about to embrace Communism and fall in league with your then neighbor, the Soviet Union. 

The Fake: (The Iranians would as soon turn Zionists than become Communists, you fool). Yes indeed my dear Jimmy. And what is our reward? We are slandered by your president as a member of the axis of evil, we suffer all kinds of economic pressures, we are stigmatized as a terrorist state, and the world’s worst sponsor of terrorism. Can you believe that? No kindness ever goes unpunished, it seems. 

The Freak: It is my cross to bear, as we Christians like to use the metaphor. It has fallen upon me to apologize at every juncture with the various peoples that this country has wronged and continues to wrong. So, please accept my apologies on behalf of the American people, as well as myself. Also, my dear Mo, please tell your colleagues to be a bit patient. You know who and his gang of fool Neoconservatives will be kicked out of office starting with the coming mid-term election and people of my party will settle our differences amicably. Didn’t you, yourself, say that I did help you get rid of the perfidious Shah? I plan to stay the course and do what I can to see good people work together for the common good.  

The Fake: Thank you my dear Jimmy. Your wisdom and advice are pure gold. We’ll take to heart every word of your advice. You are also a gracious man and a true Christian devoted to that great man of peace, Jesus Christ, the son of Mary. Incidentally, you must forgive me for not inquiring right at the start about your dear wife. How is Mrs. Carter? Is she as young-looking as you are? (I bet you are still lusting in your heart? Why lust in your heart, what good is virtual lust, you fool? Just join us—become a Muslim and lust in actuality. It is the biggest deal for both sides. You get to lust all you want with the very beautiful young maidens—all the lovelies you want and you can handle with help from the wonderful performance enhancers that we ourselves use with great satisfaction, thanks to your pharmaceutical industry. Our side also gets the huge propaganda by the news of ‘Jimmy-the-freak’ Carter converting to the one and only true faith of God—Islam.) 

The Freak: Thank you very much. You are so kind, Mo. Roslyn is fine. She is getting on in age. She is more withdrawn than in the past—a quiet woman of ordinary nature and capabilities. I must apologize that I do not know anything about your spouse to inquire of her condition. I hope that she is well. 

The Fake: (Yeah, all four permanent ones are well, but I don’t spend much time with any one of them. Whenever my lust system honks, the local mullah brings me young, beautiful and exciting seeghe—concubine—that I entertain, rather she entertains me, until I run out of stamina. Then I rest and get ready for the next one. Now, tell me, who has got a better deal? Thanks to Allah and Muhammad we Muslim men are so nicely provided for, with none of this virtual stuff for us. We lust, we act in real world.) Yes, in our culture we do not disclose information about our women. The reason I asked about Mrs. Carter, I was trying to follow the advice, “When in Rome, act as the Romans do.” 

The Freak: I do apologize, if I offended your sensibilities, by asking.  

The Fake: Oh no, not at all, my dear Jimmy. I was just demonstrating our cultural differences. Both are valid to be sure. That’s why I keep pleading with an unheeding world about the importance of Dialogue of Civilizations—the only just and peaceful way to settle any and all disagreements that exist among civilized people of different cultures.  

The Freak: Yes indeed, dialogue is the way to go, not violence. But there is a great deal of violence on the Islamic side. All the suicide bombings, beheadings and indiscriminate killings are giving Islam a bad reputation. I know that Islam means “Peace.” All the Imams in our country say that, and I believe them. But the American public is both skeptical and superficial and I must apologize for that. They watch on their televisions—again I must apologize for their moronic habit of gluing themselves to their television sets, gorging themselves on junk food and swallowing whole what they see and hear on the set as the Gospel truth. They are horrified by some of the things the few radical Muslims do and blame the mainstream peace-loving generality of Muslims for those acts. They just don’t realize that Muslims have serious legitimate grievances that they aim to redress. 

The Fake: Here is where you come in, my dear Jimmy. (Being gullible works both ways, you dummy. People like you can cover for our horrific deeds by time and again saying that these atrocities are the work of a few who have hijacked Islam, the radicals and so forth. You and your ilk, the legions of Useful Idiots, are our most valued resource. You must remember the meeting of Dan Rather with Saddam Hussein. How the Prima Donna reporter kept kissing up to the brute to ingratiate himself to him? And how skillfully the butcher of Iraq exploited him, with an international audience watching on the tube? Well, history repeats itself. This time around, your Ace reporter Mike Wallace did a face-to-face with our errand boy, President Mahmood Ahmadinejad. And guess what? Our boy that many of you call monkey, made a real monkey out of your super reporter. The same reporter whose very name sends shudders down the spines of your biggest captains of commerce and industry—people who rather face the executioner than being interrogated and exposed by the so-perceived master investigator. For as long as we have people like you and your best reporters are people like Mike Wallace, we have it made.) As a highly respected statesman and a man of peace, the American public believes you and accepts the invaluable understanding that you so freely and selflessly share with them. They see in you a true man of God. Don’t you go around wielding hammers, saws, nails and building shelters for the poor? Your words, then, are as good as your sterling deeds. So, you should keep on de-bunking all the wicked accusations about the peaceful nature of Islam. 

The Freak: Yes, thank you Mo. But it is becoming more and more difficult for me to exonerate the mainstream Islam from allegations, baseless as they are. Some fools say this, not me, that the Islamic Republic of Iran is the paymaster of many of the atrocities and acts of terrorism. I know, for instance, that the Pakis in England were the ones who got caught for their horrendous plan of blowing up several plane-full of innocent civilians in midair. Again, some Americans, I must apologize, say that your boys developed the Islamic Cocktail for the Pakis to use. Is there any truth to that Mo? 

The Fake: Now why would we want to do that, my dear Jimmy? You know full well that cocktails are completely forbidden by our beloved Prophet.  

The Freak: No, I don’t mean alcoholic cocktail. I am just using a metaphor knowing that you are an erudite person of the first order and you would see it as such. 

The Fake: Oh, I see. No, my dear friend. The Pakis are idiots (you are not the only one), and we know better than to get involved with them. I swear to you that we had nothing to do with that stupid bungled-up misadventure. 

The Freak: I have no reason not to believe you, but would you help me out. People are aghast at the ungrateful Pakis. Again, I am not saying this, some cynical suspicious people in my country say that it boggles the mind that England lets these destitute Pakis from the boonies of places like Vazirestan come and live with lifelong generous handouts of the good-hearted Brits and then do what they did and planned to do. I mean these people tap all the welfare benefits, produce kids like rabbits, I apologize for that metaphor dear Mo, the British system coddles them, and these born and bred Paki Muslims bomb their undergrounds and were about to blow up the planes. How do you respond to these criticisms? 

The Fake: My dear Jimmy, you and I know better than thinking the world as a completely sane place. There are always renegades in every society. We need not get sidetracked. Once we solve the greater problem, reaching an accommodation between our two nations, the annoyances like the idiocy of the Pakis and before them the Saudi hijackers can be easily addressed. 

The Freak: It is so reassuring to have men of confidence and great vision like you, my dear Mo. I only wish that we had people of similar acumen and insight on our side and, as you so correctly say, we could together handle any and all problems. 

The Fake: Thank you for the compliment, my friend. “If you can envision it, you can attain it,” is my guiding philosophy. I see the present trials and tribulations besetting the world as no more than the death pangs of the old permissive and decadent order and the re-birth of a spiritual world along the vision of Jesus, son of Mary, and our beloved Prophet. 

The Freak: I am so comforted by your soothing words, streaming from your ever-present smiling lips. Again, I wish that we had people of your caliber on our side to work with you and make our dream of a peaceful and just world become a reality. 

The Fake: My dear Jimmy, you do. You indeed have great statesmen who are presently sidelined by the election-cheater, the Texan. Take heart and be optimistic. Although, ideally we would have loved to have had you in command to work with, there are lesser others who can help our vision come true. 

The Freak: Can you name them? Would you, in confidence, if you wish? 

The Fake: With you, it is all like sharing information with the most trustworthy friend. I have no reason to keep anything whatsoever from you. Yes, just to name a few: John Kerry, Howard Dean, and even a woman, Nancy Pelosi. The last one is a bit whacky, though. Not only is she a woman, she also hails from your Sodom, San Francisco. She is a staunch advocate and defender of acts of sins, specifically sanctioned in your own Bible, if you know what I mean? 

The Freak: Yes, yes, I do know and know it just too well. But, that’s the Democratic Party of the present. It has gone so far to the left that some call it the Fringe Party. I am afraid that even if we win the House, the Senate and the Presidency, the people will, in no time, wake up and see the party for what it is and literally shovel us out like you know what. 

The Fake: Things are not that bad. Stay optimistic, as I always do. Let us get down to a couple of specifics—the real reasons for my coming here. 

The Freak: Sure friend speak up. I am listening. 

The Fake: As you well know, the guiding principle in politics is realism. We need to have a vision, but we also must be realistic about how to achieve that vision. There is no reason for our two nations to continue sparring with each other. We both gain so much by working together. It is a win-win deal. Just like the old days, the way America and the tin-soldier Shah worked together. This time around, we can have the same mutually beneficial arrangement between our people. 

The Freak: How so? I’d love to hear you out.

 The Fake: We can be your best and most reliable friend in the Middle East, and we do want to be just that. Never mind all the public trash about the Great Satan and all. Deep in our hearts we do love America and Americans. Don’t you read the papers? All the reports about how Iranians hospitably treat any American tourists, how our young emulate your culture, dance to your music and lap up everything with the least American flavor to it? 

The Freak: Yes, yes I suppose. But how do we actually do this? How do we become the best of friends? 

The Fake: To be honest, it is not going to be free for America. Any free deal is worth exactly what you pay for it, nothing, right? Let me explain. Other than that little Jewish state, you have no friends in the entire region, and with friends like Israel, you hardly need any enemies. They keep costing you a fortune in every conceivable way—money, popularity and what not. The Saudis booted your military out and, in your latest misadventure in Iraq, didn’t even let you use their territory for the invasion. The Turks, supposedly your staunch friend, and a member of NATO, told you to take a walk, all the way around, when you begged and bribed them to let you use their land bridge for the invasion of Iraq. Do I need to belabor the point? You have no friends there. Agreed? 

The Freak: I am afraid you are right. Tell me the rest, please. 

The Fake: Now, then. We volunteer to be your friend provided that you just pack up and go home. You don’t need to have a single soldier, marine or airman in the region. You don’t have to spend a thin dime on your military there to get what you want—ample, steady supplies of oil. We will see to it and we give you our word on it. We will even formally pen it.  

The Freak: That sounds reasonable enough. You know that we Americans don’t have any imperialistic ambitions. It just so happens that we are incurably addicted to oil, and until we find an alternative fix, we just have to have it. The way it seems to me, the American oil companies will see to it that we don’t find a satisfactory substitute. See, that’s the way capitalism works. It reminds me of what Nikita Khrushchev once said, “You can trust the capitalist to sell you the rope to hang him with.” I am sorry for lecturing. 

The Fake: Another thing my friend. It seems odd to us that America is so dense in certain respects. Why do you, time and again, get into fights you cannot win? Allow me to supply the answer. You simply don’t have the heart and the staying power to finish the job. You go warring without thinking it through first and you go about it half way and half-heartedly. Why do it, if you go about it this way? You suffer a few casualties and you start thinking about bailing out. Your people get ready to lynch the Administration and stone your own soldiers as soon as a few body bags are unloaded from airplanes with the CNN cameras showing them from every angle and sonorous music playing in the background. What do your people think about war? It is not a friendly football match. It is killing—serious killing. Kill or be killed.  

The Freak: Yes, true, true and true. What do you propose? 

The Fake: Leave any warring that has to be done to us. That’s part of the deal. You won’t have to lose a single soldier. We, in contrast to you, are not afraid of dying. This world to us is only a passageway—a worthless one at that. We breathlessly await getting through it and into Allah’s glorious promised paradise. You people celebrate life and we relish death. Hasan Nasrullah, our man in Lebanon and the leader of Hizbullah, publicly reiterated this notion as his warriors valiantly fought the cowardly Israelis and happily embraced martyrdom. We don’t welcome fighting, but we will gladly fight when the cause is right. 

The Freak: But some people, the suspicious Islam-haters, say that you can’t be trusted, that you have devious grandiose plans. You aim to rule the Middle East, acquire nuclear weapons and with the twin life and death means of oil and nukes venture out to Islamize the entire world. What can we say to them? 

The Fake: My dear friend, you said it yourself. These people are suspicious Islam-haters who will not settle for any answer. They are irritants that will be proven wrong when they see us honorably doing our part, keeping the region in peace and keeping oil flowing without interruption. We have no desire ‘whatsoever’ to Islamize the world. We give you our sacred pledge on the holy Quran.

 The Freak: That’s reassuring my dear Mo. Now, tell me what I can do to help? 

The Fake: You can indeed help, once again, to crown your illustrious achievements. History will record you as one of the greatest insightful statesman of our time, a man who helped to avert great suffering not only to his people, but to the entire world. What you may want to do is to exert your immense influence with members of your party—particularly the leadership—to make them see reality. You may persuade them to abandon the foolish hostile policy of the Texan and work with us to our two nations’ great and lasting benefit. 

The Freak: (Springs up from his chair and embraces the big Teddy Bear mullah for a long long time). Dear Mo, thank you for meeting with me and sharing with me your great insights. Now I see what you mean about how dialogue can indeed accomplish what no amount of fighting can. I give you my word of honor that I’ll do all I can to accomplish what you suggested. 

The Fake: (I count on you, you chief Useful Idiot, and the far left. With big mouth Simpletons like you, we are assured of defeating you and establishing Allah’s Ummeh on earth). I am the one to thank you my dear Jimmy. Please take good care of yourself and perhaps deign to honor us by coming to Iran for a visit, God willing.