The god of Islam has more than 100 names, but Muslims try to confine the number to 99 because Mohammed, the boyfriend of Allah, mentioned in a Hadith that Allah has 99 names. Muslims should not be offended for calling him the boyfriend of Allah because Mohammed himself claimed to be a friend of Allah - adding an additional word “boy” would only strengthen their relationship.

Muslims love to pray to their god, Allah. The prayer, although not in a set order, covers a variety of issues, from begging for god’s mercy to wishing for health, wealth and their personal property, which includes the women. They further include deceased family members for not being punished by the god. The prayer further relates to relatives, friends and many other earthly matters. Of course, afterlife is an important issue in all prayers. Finally, their prayer goes international.

Although none of their prayers, with a rare co-incidence, become fruitful, they never cease to pray.

For a pious Muslim, it is important to remember all of Allah’s names and use them in their prayers as much as they could. Each name of Allah, however, starts with “Ya”. The word “Ya” is not an abbreviation of Yahoo.com, nor it is a shortcut of Yankees. It actually means “Hello” or “Hi”.

Here is how it goes…..

Ya Allah (Generic name of the Islamic god) – The small piece of land that I own is not fertile anymore; in fact, my wives are more prolific than the land.

Ya Al-Musawwir (The Fashioner) - You have fashioned the earth, the sun and the moon. You have added trees for your believers and mountains as pillars of the earth. Can you please make the land more fertile and produce loads of crops this year?

Ya Al-Wahhaab (Generous) - My goats are not giving enough milk. Please be generous and make them more productive.

Ya Khaaliq (The Creator) – One of my cows is not getting pregnant. I walked miles and took her to many bulls but she has not conceived yet. You are the creator - you can easily make her pregnant. Ya Allah, I am not asking you to do it by yourself. (Astagfarullah!) All I am asking is that you raise your magic wand and make my cow pregnant.

Ya Bari (The Maker) – I have been begging for years and you still have not given me a son. What have I done wrong, Ya Allah? My wives have produced half a dozen daughters but no son. Why can’t you give me a son?

Ya Razzaaq (The Sustainer, The Provider) – I am getting sick and tired of dealing with the same three wives and I direly need a new wife. My next door neighbor’s daughter is only 10 years old and she is 40 years younger than me. My neighbor threatened to call the police if I ever ask him to marry his daughter. What a shame! What’s happening to this world? Our prophet and your friend Mohammed married Aysha when she was six years old, but the people of the modern age don’t follow the sunnah and the path of our great prophet. Ya Allah, can you please change my neighbor’s mind and provide me his young daughter in marriage?

Ya Samee (The All-Hearing, The Hearer) - You can see everything and you know everything. Don’t you see my third wife, who is still very young, always has a defiant attitude? Your friend Mohammed has set the guideline for all Muslim women. According to the sunnah, the prophet’s guideline, a Muslim woman should shave her pubic hair and never pluck her eyebrows. Ya Allah, my wife does exactly the opposite. She plucks her eyebrows and does not shave her pubic hair. Can you please change her mind and follow the prophet’s rule?

Ya Khaafid (The Subjugator) - You can do whatever you wish, yet the people of these days are straying away from your religion. Can you believe I am not allowed to beat my wives? Despite your clear injunction in the Quran, my wives threaten to call the police if I beat them. Ya Allah, damn our government for not following your rule; destroy those people who solicit for the so-called women’s rights.

Ya Ghaffaar (The Great Forgiver) - Nothing may remain hidden from you. You know I have a small job where accepting a bribe is the only way. I often accept bribes to support my family. Please forgive my sin. I promise to perform Haj to wash away all the wrongdoings I did.

Ya Ar-Rahman (The Compassionate) - All Muslims are your slaves and you have ample mercy for them. When we, the Muslims, will die, we will be punished temporarily but all of us will go to heaven regardless of our sin. Will you please shorten our sufferings and send us to the heaven as soon as we die?

Ya Ar-Raheem (The Merciful) – Don’t forget my father, grandfather and all of my relatives who already have died. Please don’t squeeze the grave and break their bones, but send them to heaven as quickly as possible. [Note: at this point, most Muslims shed a few tears, be it emotionally or forcefully!]

Ya Al-Ghafoor (the All-forgiving) – Our great prophet spent most of his life pleasing your honor. He used all of the one-fifth booty he received to spread Islam. He even slaughtered some captives immediately, so that they could meet you in the heaven and you could get the pleasure to enjoy them. However, in case Mohammed (PBUH), the profit of Islam, failed to kill enough people that you wished to kill, please forgive him and take him to the heaven.

Ya Al-Haseeb (The Reckoned) - My stomach pain is becoming unbearable day by day. I have recited many verses of the Quran, as the great prophet did, and I blow on my stomach. I am wearing a small aluminum container from my neck that has a small piece of paper with a Quranic verse written on it. None of these actions helped to subside the pain. Why don’t your Quranic verses work anymore as they did in the era of the prophet? Now I have to find a doctor for this problem.

Ya Al-Malik (The King) - You are the king of this world and all countries are under your rule. Yet we, the Muslims, have to go to Kafir countries for a living. When my brother went to the Middle East for a job, the pious Muslims of the country treated him like a slave. He did not receive citizenship; in fact, Middle East countries never give citizenship to the Muslims from the other countries. Your friend Mohammed proudly claimed that it was the Arabs who had the honor to embrace Islam first, which gives the Arabs the upper hand. Ya Allah, can you make an addendum and change this situation?

Ya Al-Badi (The Incomparable) - After receiving a humiliating experience from the Middle East, my brother went to the U.S., the greatest satan in the world. Surprisingly, he was awarded with citizenship and found a job in a grocery store where he had to sell liquor. My brother is a pious Muslim and has never missed a prayer. He felt uncomfortable selling the liquor, so he moved to Las Vegas, the sin city of the world, where he drives a cab. Ya Allah, you see everything and you know all. My brother still does not miss a prayer but in his last letter he expressed his pain and anger.

Ya Al-Mutakabbir (The Majestic) – My brother makes decent money but he is having a serious problem with his company. The cab he drives has a sign on the roof that advertises about a “Ranch”. Ya Allah, when my brother explained what a Ranch meant, I was shocked. I did not know a Ranch is nothing but a brothel. We, the Muslims, have the right to rape any infidel women who are captured in a war, but we should not visit a brothel. My brother not only carries the sign on top of his cab, but he also takes passengers to the Ranch frequently. Ya Allah, forgive his unintentional sin.

Ya Al-Aleem (The All-knowing) - You have seen how my brother reacted when the hero of Islam, Brother Osama Bin Laden, orchestrated the landing of the kafir’s plane in a kafir’s building? My brother did not go to work that day and prayed extra Rakas (sessions) of prayers all day. If you consider the happiness he shown on the vary day, you surely will forgive all of his sins.

Ya Al-Waliyy (The Supporter) - It is time you support your religion and give enough strength to brother Osama. Make him more powerful and give him enough ammunition to destroy America, the greatest evil on the earth. Don’t you see the pain of Palestinians, the sufferings of Iraqi people, the anger of oppressed Muslims in Kashmir, China, Russia, Australia, Europe, and literally everywhere in the world? Ya Allah, support the Muslims, not the kafirs, who are becoming stronger every day, economically and militarily.

Ya Al-Muthil (One who can humiliate) Muntaqim (The Avenger) - Ya Allah, your boyfriend Mohammed hated the Jews the most and we the followers still wish for their destruction. But, whenever I look at the prosperity of Jews, it shocks me. I just could not figure out how the Jews, your greatest enemy, are flourishing when the poor Palestinians are suffering. Ya Allah, you must act promptly and take revenge against those Jews and humiliate them.

Ya Al-Muhaimin (The Protector) - You are the protector and the guardian of faith. Yet people today are making malicious comments, drawing cartoons and producing films of you and your friend Mohammed. Infidels and a bunch of apostates are calling you all kind of names, but you are not taking any action against them. How can we make our faith stronger, if you don’t protect your religion?

Ameen!