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From Lizards to Spiders

by Sher Khan

09/07/05

Democracy has no place in Islam. I had to invent new terminology to describe the democratic features of this religion. The term, "Islamic Democracy" is about as contradictory as "vegetarian wolf." When democracy visits Islamic countries it warps into "Devilocracy", derived from the root word "Devil".

Democracy is not just about elections and voting, its about the people's right to set the course of their country's prosperity. It's about human rights and peaceful cohabitation with people of different faiths and opinions. It's about separating state from religion, protecting civil liberties and even gladly accepting the presence of legitimate opposition parties. It's about personal, political and economic freedom. As we all know, Islam strictly prohibits all of the above.

Islam is insensitive to human rights. It barely considers people of other faiths and opinions as human. When Mullahs call them apes and pigs, one does not see raised hackles, but nodding heads. Muslim countries have hotly protested several articles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), especially articles 16 and 18 that spell out the equality of marriage rights and the freedom to change one's religion.

What happens when the people of a state are unaware of their destiny? Imagine a ship full of pirates with only one good person aboard. Imagine the good person wanting to rise to the position of leader. What does he do? He asks everyone to give up piracy and live decently, whereas his opponent promises great fortunes through robbery. Undoubtedly, the good guy will be outvoted, in fact, chances are that he will receive only one preference: from himself.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I am not calling all Muslims pirates, even though the prophet of Islam was the ultimate pro in that field. Many good people born to Muslim families have no choice but support Islam. They believe in democracy but are unaware of 'Devilocracy'.      

According to the POLITY Project of the University of Maryland, no Muslim country ranks, or has ever ranked, within the first fifty democratic countries of the world. Even Turkey, once secular, now a peculiar, 'comme ci, comme 'a' (So-So) country, scores 2.5 out of 7 in civil and political liberties, taking 89^th place in this category.

Some Islamic countries pretend to practice democracy but with risible results. Though they nominally conduct elections, the overall systems painfully lack most of the virtues of a real democracy. Some experts cite Turkey, Indonesia, Bangladesh, Mali, and Senegal as democracies but all of them suffer from the Islamic malaise. Islam suffocates the constitution and political agendas of all these countries. Corruption is rampant and building a solid economic infrastructure is about as difficult - and probable - as turning a gorilla into a chess master.

Other countries such as Malaysia, Nigeria, and Iran, are superficially democratic but God's rule invariably takes precedence over the people's interest. (God in this case, not being anything holy in the great heavens, but usually in the guise of fatcats in chauffeured Mercedes).

Recently, Iran played a game of 'Devilocracy'. Bearded Mullahs participated in a so-called election devoid of any democracy. Garlic is an interesting spice; it is formed of many layers, but all the layers meet in one place. Mullahs are like garlic, they act differently but all of their roots converge to that same identical place called Islam. When Mullahs arrange elections and preach God's rule, they simply make a mockery of democracy. It's like rapists presiding over therapy sessions, like terrorists teaching civics!

Some scholars argue, Islam should be reinterpreted first and then democracy will prevail. Others think that once democracy is implemented, Islam will reform. But it's not a 'chicken and egg' conundrum and there's no element, not by any stretch of the imagination that could come first because the two are utterly incompatible. There can be no viable democracy as long as Islam is factored into the equation.  It's like requiring heart surgeons to wear boxing gloves while performing transplants. It's like dusting furniture in a sandstorm. It's self-defeating, it's impossible and it's daft.

In Malaysia, UMNO (United Malays National Organization) is working like a UFO (Unidentified Flying Object). Ever since Malaysia gained independence from Britain in 1957, UMNO has dominated the country. That's almost half a century. Are we to praise Malaysia's stubborn consistency or would it be more honest to doubt her democracy? Through the years, the ruling party has used many different kinds of ammunition to subdue its opponents: the Internal Security Act, the Sedition Act, the Official Secrets Act, the Printing and Publications Act, the Police Act, the Universities and Colleges Act. With so many amazing Acts, it sounds more like a three ring circus than a democracy!

Although Malaysia practices a form of religious tolerance, it is only out of self-interest. Luckily for them, the Kafirs of Malaysia generate lots of revenue for the economy. Hence, their necks have been spared from slitting. But Dr. Mahatir, the UMNO bigshot, proclaimed Malaysia an Islamic state, and in the meantime, the PAS, a genuine, from-bad-to-worse, heavy metal throat-slicing Islamic party is gaining momentum via a grass-roots campaign.

In Indonesia, a political party with an Islamic agenda gained seats in the 2004 National Parliamentary election. Although its influence remains marginal, they are slowly nudging towards their goal of full Islamization. The Prosperity and Justice Party, similar to the PAS of Malaysia racked up 25 percent of the seats compared to their previous 16 percent figure.

The Jamaat-e-Islami, a political party of Bangladesh is on the rise. In 1971, this party played the part of turncoat traitor while the country was fighting for its independence. They actively killed and raped countless citizens. But now they too are playing the 'Democracy-Devilocracy' game. Shameless major parties are buttering these fundamentalists to form coalition governments. A push here, a shove there, the Islamists are slowly and confidently gaining ascendancy.  

To the tune of billions of dollars, the USA has tried hard to spread democracy to Egypt, but the "we-the-people" flower has not bloomed. Meanwhile, the Islamic Universities of Egypt continue to spawn evermore virulent and infectious strains of Islam, creating mini monsters, mini Mohammads to be exact.

Some scholars doubt that Islam is the reason for Muslim countries not being democratic. They blame historical, cultural, economic and political factors. And they point their fingers at the fundamentalists, the Wahhabi version of Islam, as if the Wahhabists were from some other planet. In reality, all brands of Islam have the same mission statement - 'Islam will rule the world'. Maybe they truly are from another planet. Only aliens in science fiction movies are so shamelessly forthright and nefarious!

We need to listen to our Real Muslim brother Al-Zarqawi, the famous bullfighter of Iraq. He proudly proclaimed, "Democracy guarantees the right to choose your religion - and this is against the rule of God!" Despicable as he might be, at least he's honest. It's hard to imagine a more truthful statement regarding Islamic democracy. He also added in a flyer, "Be aware that only Islam guarantees your rights! Do not let others mislead you? They will say that a part of their Constitution is from Islam. Do not be like the Jew, believing in only a part of the Holy Book and leaving the other part out!"

Mohammad, the author of Quran had an easy solution for democracy. He ordered, "When a pledge of allegiance is given to two caliphs, kill the one for whom the oath was taken later." Narrated by Abu Said Al-khudri, The book of leadership, Sahih Muslim.

What an easy solution! Islam always has a better explanation for everything. Think about the USA and all the millions of dollars wasted in the last election. All Bush had to do was chop Kerry's head off and declare victory! True enough there are very few peacefully retired Islamic leaders. They either die of old age, generously sharing their senility with the masses, or go down in blood.  

The question that naturally arises is, why do the Islamic parties bother participating in elections despite Islam's aloofness towards democracy? The answer can be found in nature.

There are varieties of animals and insects that change color. The Chameleon, a type of lizard, tops the list. Most of them change from brown to green, but some have the capability of changing to any color. Depending on light, temperature and mood, these amazing chromatic artists can shift their hue in less than 20 seconds. One type of male lizard changes color from brown to purple and light blue to attract females. They can even modify the color of their eyelids to yellow with green spots. It's a wonder how any female Chameleon could resist such a lovely temptation!

This eyelid business reminds me of the Mullahs who love to wear mascara. Many Mullahs daub a dusty black powder on their eyelids as a part of Islamic fashion.

While Chameleons change color innocently, the Bark Spider does it intentionally to become a better predator. These spiders turn brown, gray, green, or yellow, to blend in with trees, stones, and leaves. Before other unsuspecting insects can realize where they are headed, they become blue-plate specials for these clever Bark spiders.

Non-practicing Muslims know that the Mullahs change colors like Chameleons to blend in with democracy, but they don't realize that the clerics will ultimately act like Bark Spiders and gobble up democracy like a snack. The Taliban and Iranian style governments are the ideal governments of Islam. The Islamic political parties of Muslim countries change their color for the purpose of participating in elections, but as soon as the time is ripe, they shift hue again and implement Sharia Law. That's the way of "Devilocracy", the way of pious Mohammedans.