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For ex-Muslims, it's tough life finding love. Ex-Muslims are too small a  community to find a suitable partner most often, while the most moderate and liberal of Muslim man or woman would run away from you as soon as they learn that you are an ex-Muslim/atheist etc. Non-Muslims today are very careful not to fall for a person of Muslim background, even if you are ex-Muslim/atheist. Although it's a tough life with few solutions, Dr. Ali Sina has a few words, which could be of help...

Hi Ali,

I require yr opinion. I had told you that after abandoning Islam my wife divorced me and now i am looking for marriage again. I had posted my profile on a matrimonial site and had put my religion as No-Religion and had contacted many Non-Muslim girls who accepted my profile but when I reveled to them that though I am an atheist but my family background is Muslim they rejected me. Hence I portrayed myself as Muslim and have got in touch with a Muslim girl who is a Phd. and a research scientist, but offers Namaaz five times a day and keeps Roza and believes in Haraam and Halaal but is not a fanatic type to wear Hijab etc.

I have been speaking with her and had told her in beginning that I do not offer Namaaz or Roza. She was OK with that provided I do not stop her from Namaaz and Roza. Since she is educated and intellectual hence slowly while speaking with her, I tried to put before her the immoralities of the Quran, but to my surprise she tried to explain and convince me saying that I am confused and got it wrong and out of context. Recently I asked her if I did not believe in Allah or Day of Judgment then would that be a impediment from marriage. She flatly said that it is not possible for a Muslim to marry a person who does not possess imaan and asked me to be clear if I really did not believe in Islaam.

I have started liking this Girl and feel that apart from religion our compatibilities and chemistry will match. Now I am confused if I Should reveal here the truth that I do not believe in Islam or lie to her that I do believe but am not practicing. What should I do? Please guide me what should be my course of action. Waiting eagerly for your reply at the earliest.

Regards,
H.


Hello H.

You want to build a relationship and a family. Never put its foundation on a lie. It will not last and you will be heartbroken. Be always truthful. You can hide your belief from a co-worker because what you believe is none of his business, but you must not lie to a potential life partner.

Give this woman my book and tell her that since you admire her knowledge of Islam you want her opinion. If she refuses to read it, just leave her. She has cotton in her ears. She is not the right woman for you. If she reads the book there is a big chance that she will leave Islam. If she doesn’t she has no brain and you don’t want a brainless wife.

Courtship is a game. You need to know the rules of this game in order to stay ahead. Never show weakness. Never let the other person think that you are desperate. Act cool and pretend that despite the fact that you find her attractive, you can easily walk away and find someone else.

Don’t let a woman blackmail you because then she will sense you are weak and this has two repercussions. The first is that she will lose interest in you. You become a too easy catch. That is a put off. People prize things for which they work hard and do not appreciate things that come easy. The next repercussion is that even if she does not leave you, she will abuse you all the time. She will step on you, because she perceives you a weak. If at any time you sense your partner is devaluing you, end that relationship at once, unless you are bound by common children. People, who abuse you verbally,  will abuse you more as time goes by.

Always stay in the position of strength. Instead of letting her blackmail you, be the one who sets the rules. Tell her that you want a smart and intelligent woman. That her recent reaction to your independence of thought troubles you. Make her understand that it is she who has to earn your trust again by proving herself to be a smart woman. If she is right she should be able to defend her point of view, but you would certainly not want to waste your life with a woman that blackmails you. If this is her way of dealing with thorny situations, it is better that you part your ways before it is too late.

When I say you set the rules I am not insinuating that you raise your voice or become bully. On the contrary that shows you are not even in control of yourself. You must act gently, but one who has strong principles and does not waiver from them.

This is true even if the subject had nothing to do with Islam or religion. Let us say you want to go to USA and she, instead of reasoning why she does not want to go tries to blackmail you. Is that healthy? Would she make a good partner?  If she is a blackmailer your life will be hellish. Some people are very educated, but they are emotionally abused and consequently have grown up to become abusive. They can make the life of their partner a hell. That is not the kind of partner you want to spend your life with. Never let anyone blackmail you. Walk away and find someone else. This subject is without regard to any gender. This is as true for men as it is for women. When one partner tries to emotionally blackmail the other or becomes verbally abusive, that relationship is doomed.

Let me tell you a secret about relationships.  If your partner tells you that she (or he) wants to end the relationship, never show any sign of disappointment or sadness. Never beg her (or him) to reconsider and give you another chance. You’d be shooting yourself in the foot. Don’t even say I am sorry or ask why. Instead tell her how happy you are that she brought this subject up because it has been in your mind for some times and you did not know how to break it to her. Do that and you’ll see how this very person will run after you and ask for another chance. This is human nature.

If she does not run after you the relationship is over anyway. Maybe she has found someone already. So why give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry. Walk away with dignity smiling. However, if she is doing this to score  points, twist your arm and somehow impose her dominance, she will get a rude awakening that you are not someone she can run over.

In its early stages relationship is all about power struggle. The one who blinks loses. This is the time both parties are trying to establish their position in the relationship. By telling her that you had thought of ending the relationship already, you disarm her. This is not what she thought you would say and now it is she who has to chase you. In fact you become a lot more attractive to her.

During my university years, there was a cute girl that I could not resist. She sensed my eagerness and rejected me. I was quite good looking. Always girls chased me. I was not used to rejections.  I felt very much hurt and gave her up. A few weeks later she came to me and said, ‘I changed my mind about you.’ I told her, ‘me too’ and calmly walk away. Oh boy!  revenge feels good. By then I had actually lost interest. She started chasing me for a while and I lost more interest. I wish things were simpler, but we are complex creatures. You have to learn the rules of courtship in order to stay ahead in this vital game.

As Muslims, we were not taught anything about it and in an Islamic society, there is no need for it. So frankly, we are quite clumpsy in this game. Personaly, I lost so many opportunities because I did not know how to play it right. Islam has screwed us in every imaginable way. We are all victims of this damn cult from wherever you look at it.

If this woman starts chasing you after you leave her don’t cave in quickly. Now is the time to teach her a lesson. Tell her that you had been thinking of a breathing space between you for a while, that you are still interested in her and don’t want to end the relationship, but you want to take it easy. Don’t shut the door but don’t stay behind it either. Avoid seeing her. Don’t keep calling her every day and cut your thumbs so you don’t become tempted to send her text messages. If she calls be friendly but don’t stay on the phone long. Tell her that you love to talk to her but that you have to meet someone  and ask her to call you later.  Appear secretive and mysterious. Don’t reveal too much about what you are doing.

Don’t call her. Let her initiate the calls. Sound cheerful and pretend you are having a great time. Even rouse her jealousy by insinuating that you are seeing or chatting with other women, without being too specific. The less you reveal about yourself the more eager she will become to have you back. This is how you tame a shrew, as Shakespeare would put it. She must get the impression that she is the one who is losing out. Of course you should never utter such thing in words. On the countrary, wish her good luck in finding the right mate.

Tell her the reason you were attracted to her was that you perceive her as an intelligent women capable of thinking freely and rationally. But if she is not what you had envisioned then maybe it is a good thing to know it now and move on with your lives. Tell her that her fanatical adherence to a religion without trying to demonstrate its validity is making you uncomfortable and you are having misgivings about the relationship. Tell her you’ll like to raise your children as free minded rational people and not as bigoted blindfolded religious zombies. This is not possible if the subject of religion becomes taboo. Everything should be discussed and religion is no exception. You want to teach your children to follow a path that makes sense and is logical, not a path that is based on fear and is illogical.

Do you see how this game works? You turned the table on her. She tried to checkmate you and impose her way on you. She told you convert to Islam or else. Now it is you who are giving her a run for her money. If she really cares about her blind faith more than she cares for you, she is not the right person for you. You already had one such woman. Why another one? If she cares about you then she will learn that she cannot bully you and that you are not the kind of person that would put up with mind games. This would become a solid foundation for your relationship. Healthy relationships are based on respect, and equality. This is not possible when one side overpowers the other through bullying. This kind of relationship is toxic, not just for the couple but  more so for the children. So have mercy on your future children and get out of them even if you are a masochist and don’t mind abuse.

Tell her that you still care about her and you’d like to give her a chance to prove herself that she is as smart as you had thought. Ask her to read my book and convince you that the religion that she is following is rational. That is the stick, but you want to show her the carrot too. Tell her that you are not irrationally rejecting Islam, and if she can prove that Islam is a true religion you’d gladly revert.

Now, it is important that you don’t engage in religious discussions with her directly. These kinds of discussions will destroy any relationship let alone a fledging one. That is why I suggest you give her my book to read. Let me work on her mind and convince her that Islam is a lie.

If she cares about you, she will read the book. If she does not care about you, what the hell do you want from this relationship anyway? Find someone else. Seas are full of fish.

If she reads my book, there is a big chance that she will leave Islam. No rational person can remain unchanged after learning the truth. If she does not leave Islam and refuses to read or refute the book rationally, she is not the right person, not just for you, but for anyone. You don’t want to share your life with a zombie. Let another zombie have her. Maybe he will beat her so she can taste the sweetness of Islam on her flesh. A woman who worships a man that calls her “deficient in intelligence,” is indeed deficient in intelligence and does not deserve better.

Relationships should be based on equality. If one partner tries to establish his or her dominance over the other, that relationship is doomed. Why get into it in the first place.

As for non-Muslim women losing interest after learning that you come from a Muslim background, I don’t blame them. You and I know how Muslim men lie about their belief to trap non-Muslim women. They are always liberal and non-believers at first, but gradually start making their victims mold to their whims and comply with their demands, one demand at a time until she is reduced into a virtual slave. While the woman thinks by giving in she will win his love, he is gradually establishing his dominance over her. This is how it starts. He will coo to her: “Oh my love I am not a Muslim, but please wear this hijab because my parents are Muslims and they don’t like to see you without it.” “My love, I don’t care whether you are a Muslim or not but my parents will accept you more if you convert to Islam.” The poor woman complies and there comes another demand and another and another and with each compliance he becomes more domineering, more demeaning and more abusive until she finds herself in a hell from which there is no escape, at least not without forsaking her children.

Non-Muslim girls are getting smart and I am glad that they are avoiding Muslim men. Of course ex-Muslims will suffer as the consequence. Women tend to think we are lying to trap them. Therefore, why tell them anything about your family so soon? Don’t lie, but you don’t have to tell them everything during the early stages of courtship. You are not a believer, so why talk about religion at all. Avoid this subject. Once you have established trust and there is love you can tell her about your dislike of Islam and why everyone should avoid this dangerous cult. Eventually reveal to her that you are an ex-Muslim and the reason you dislike Islam is because you know it firsthand.

If you date a Muslim girl tell her from the start that you are an ex-Muslim. Be frank from the very start. If she has problem with that you’re not going to waste your time on her. Don’t say you are a non practicing Muslim. Every Muslim thinks he is a not practicing Islam enough. But he will not waiver to kill someone who speaks against his demon prophet.  So be clear. Tell her you think Muhammad was an imposter liar.

I am publishing this because similar questions are being asked from me often. There are others who find themselves in predicaments such as yours. This is just my opinion. Each person knows what is best for them.

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